So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
