How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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