my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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