im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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