I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am midnight drunk by noon
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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