I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
