I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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