He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
