After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
