We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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