I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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