I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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