I could make wine with my vomit
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
