he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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