Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize