Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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