people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it's like heaven, but drunker
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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