Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
