Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They took my balls.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
