it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
