two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
