I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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