Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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