I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
