My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
