nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
