mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
