final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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