just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
