i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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