I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize