But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
