I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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