He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
