Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
