Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize