your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
