What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
