My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So apparently I’m into choking now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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