Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize