We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
