my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
