that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
