Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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