if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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