She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
