OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My hand turned me down
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
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