DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
