i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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