My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
