What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
