i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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