just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
