There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
