Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
