Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
