my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
