Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
