you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
