she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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