i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
