Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
