I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
