after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize