If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
