I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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