This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
