The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
they need to just BURY HIM!
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
