She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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