You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
