Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
