I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize