you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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