I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
