based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
